WANTED: Headteacher

WANTED

Position: Headteacher.

Salary: Less than you’d expect.

Previous experience: We’ll take anything because we can’t get anyone else – no one’s applying these days. 

Duties:

  • Being the first port of call for any and every disgruntled parent. 
  • Being prepared to take the blame for anything that happens in the school. 
  • Intervening in regular petty staff disputes. 
  • Constantly being threatened with union action by poorly performing teachers. 
  • Facing ignorant governors, who on the whole have no idea about what you are doing and mostly do a Gove, talking about when they were at school. 
  • Permanently patrolling the school during lessons and break times. 
  • Ignoring your family and friends, in any spare time you have, in order to fret about issues you should have been able to leave at work but you have hundreds of emails to reply to every day. 
  • And most importantly, the thick skin to ignore every bitchy remark levelled in front of you and behind your back by people you work with, who absolutely do not appreciate what you do and are forever making comments like “What does he/ she do all day long?”

Career opportunities: 

After basically giving up your life for us, you will be surprised to learn that, actually, you are not really qualified for anything else outside of teaching. Maybe you might be considered for a job at the local authority? However, they might have all been scrapped by the time we have drained the life out of you. What else? Oh, you could work for the Department of Education? That’s if they consider offering anyone else a job outside their tight civil service circle, which, you know, is not realistic. 

You could be a ‘superhead’ – the ones who take on other schools who are in dire straits. Then you can really dedicate your entire life to the job you love and education. 

Although, we do regret to say that if you deliver poor results or get a bad Ofsted report you will have to resign pretty much immediately, otherwise you will be forced out. The local community that you have given up your life for, for however long, will kick you in the teeth, demonise you and not give two shits about what kind of life you will have. You will go down in infamy. Don’t expect the local authority to save you (they’ve got their safe jobs already); they’ve been messing up for years but you are the face of the place – the convenient fall guy/ girl. No one’s taking their privileged positions…yet. 

Sound up your street? Apply today! We can’t wait to take over your life. 

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