Let’s stop trying to make ourselves so self important and turning every three word phrase into an acronym. I am normal, ok? I sit in meetings, clawing my eyes out with frustration at the pretension and bollocks being emitted from people’s mouths. It’s not because I don’t understand it, that’s the point, I don’t want to understand it – I want to go “Uh? What are you talking about?” but I have been indoctrinated.
And now I’m rebelling.
So from now on when someone says “We need to get on the front foot” – I will translate to everyone – “sort it out lazy arses! Ofsted are coming and I’m shitting myself!”
“We need to create intellectually curious learners.” – our kids are thick, alright? Make them clever because our results will be crap and no one will send their kids here anymore.
“I have a fantastic CPD opportunity for you all! A Teach Meet!” – I want you to spend all day Saturday listening to someone telling you about something that has been rehashed, possibly from the nineties.
“We have a duty to deliver a SMSC education to our students.” – we have to teach our kids not to be racist, homophobic and Islamophobic, like their parents.
‘AFL’ – marking or kids marking their own work or each other’s.
‘Success criteria’ – a list of stuff to do to get it right.
‘Cognitive acceleration’ – just learning really fast.
‘Growth mindset’ – grow a pair, you bunch of wimps.
“This child has BESD.” – this kid is going to wreck your lesson and is possibly a future criminal.
‘Alternative provision’ – we can’t exclude them because it will make our exclusion rates look shit so let’s send them somewhere else, they’ll be someone else’s problem then.
‘Twilight training’ – someone talking at you for two hours after you’ve just worked eight hours without a break.
‘Professional conversation’ – don’t say what you would really like to say.
And my personal all-time most hated phrase “We’re not doing this for Ofsted,” translated as: we are totally doing this for Ofsted, this tick box exercise will take up a lot of your time and we will never refer to it ever again.
I’m on to you teaching! So don’t bullshit me any longer. I see through you completely. Time to cut the crap.