1. (To the kids who got caught smoking in school). Did you really think you’d get away with it? Do you have any common sense? Our school is not only tiny but has CCTV, no hidden corners and is patrolled by Rottweiler like duty teachers. Where did you think you would do it? In the toilets? Don’t make me laugh! You’d stink the place out – that is so eighties (oh yeah, you weren’t even born then). You thought it would be a good idea because you could flush it away, right? Got news for you kid – fag ends don’t flush, because of the cork in the filter.
Why didn’t you just have a fag on the way to school or on the way home from school? What really was the point of doing it IN school? Don’t tell me you’re addicted? Don’t make me fucking laugh! You’ve only been smoking for five minutes. Come on, we both know, you wanted to make yourself look cool in front of someone/ anyone. You ended up looking like a bit of an idiot really. And why should you get to smoke inside a public place? The rest of us aren’t allowed. If you want to be a smoker you need to commit to standing outside in all weathers, freezing your arse off as a social outcast. Then you will be cool. Take some responsibility for your smoking and then we can talk – don’t be so immature about it. Jesus.
2. (To the kids who refuse to tuck their shirts in) I know you are doing this because you feel a bit self conscious about your weight. I used to do it when I was at school. The thing is, when your shirt is out, you look like you are wearing a dress, and an ill fitting one at that. It’s making you look BIGGER than you are. So just tuck it in will you, you will look thinner, honestly.
3. (To the kids who snog outside my room when leaving each other to go to a different lesson) you are actually making me feel physically ill. You’re what 12? That shit is gross and you are faking those hormones. That kind of eating each other’s faces off requires an actual libido. You don’t have that yet. And yes, I’ll expect that we’ll all blame the media because you saw some people getting off with each other on the telly – fair enough, but don’t you find it a little bit embarrassing that everyone can see that you are literally salivating over one another’s faces? You are both covered in drool.
Practice it a bit in private before you wheel it out as your freak show. No one’s impressed, and although I can’t actually tell you this there’s no law against me making throwing up noises as the background for your cringe fest.
4. And finally (to the student I’ve been banging my head against the wall with for the last four years) you now have about eight months to get your shit together. Come and live with me and my family, I will make sure you get to school on time, every day, not just whenever you feel like it. I will sit down with you and help you with your homework. I will make you breakfast, a packed lunch and dinner to stop you wasting away, like you are now. If you were my child I would imprison you for this last year of your school life, because I care. You’d rail against me but maybe in ten years time you would realize I’d done you a massive favour because you’re SO naturally clever, your apathy and neglect is going against everything I know to be right. Please realize what you are doing to yourself.
That is all. #thetruth