Can’t get a girlfriend? Become a teacher.

Even being a crack addict won't put the ladies off.
Even being a crack addict won’t put the ladies off.

Single men of the world! Can’t get a date, girls think you’re too ‘nice’ or a bit of a nerd? Don’t bother joining a dating agency or getting your mates to fix you up with someone – the answer is simple: become a teacher.

The amount of teachers married to other teachers is staggering and the normal attract-o-meter has no bearing in these matches. Female teachers, mums and, worryingly, female students go crazy for male teachers.

This is how I try to reason it (because I don’t understand it myself), male teachers are perceived as caring. They must like kids, right? They work with them for god’s sake so they must want some of their own – great future husband and father material! They have to dress smartly, every day, and don’t girls just love a guy in a suit? (Although, these suits aren’t great quality, let’s be honest.) They know a lot about one subject, therefore they must be clever and don’t female teachers love intellectual equality?  Generally the rule appears to be this: the higher the power status of the male teacher, the more women/ girls will fancy him. Because as we all know – marching around giving an assembly is the ultimate aphrodisiac. They command the attention of hundreds and bollock kids/ other teachers with authority. It’s a power thing…I guess.

Even if you are an older or married male teacher you can expect the female teachers to flirt with you, especially the more mature ones. Everyone flirts at work obviously, it’s a way to pass the time but because the ratio of men to women is always higher on the female side, you are going to feel irresistible – every day, with your own personal fan club.

This is how I justify the inordinately large number of teacher couplings, who, in turn, have children who become teachers, who marry other teachers and give birth to more teachers. There’s something a little bit incestuous about the whole thing – don’t you think?  And it’s never-ending.

In fact, guys seem to have it made within the school social system.  Male teachers are treated preferentially in comparison to women. For a start, they are much more likely to achieve promotion than the ladies, and at a faster rate. Teaching, as we know, is largely dominated by women, especially at primary level, but all you ever hear is things like ‘these boys need a role model’ or ‘they need a firm hand’ etc etc. Let’s draft in a man to teach these kids a lesson. Hello? I, a woman, am capable of these things too. What? I have the wrong genitals? Well, maybe I should have just given up the day I was born. Sigh…

As a teacher in a non-teacher relationship, I don’t personally identify with the lustiness that seems to take over the female population of a school where male teachers are concerned but I do occasionally sympathise.  I have looked on in horror when a new male teacher was totally objectified by a group of hormone raging teenage girls. They tried to stalk him on social media and took to screaming with hysteria if he ever walked into their classroom or they passed him in the corridor. The whole thing was quite sinister, I think.  If it was a group of boys perving over a female teacher it would have been called harassment. He’s a nice guy, don’t get me wrong but no Harry Styles. But here lies the point, he was clever, smart AND HE HAD A PULSE, that, in a school setting, is irresistible to any woman.

So it would seem a career in teaching is the Lynx effect on all types of women – young and old. Sack off that dating website and contact your nearest school immediately.

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3 thoughts on “Can’t get a girlfriend? Become a teacher.

  1. I appreciate your dark sarcasm 🙂 I’ve seen what you’ve described but it depends on the school. The HSIE department at my prac school (and pretty much every department except for English) was dominated by old men. Then along came me and another early career female HSIE teacher…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello, DfE here. Can we use this idea in our splendiferous new TV ad please? We’ve done the one about loadsamoney in teaching, and a few bolshy sods have shopped to the Advertising Standards Authority — bastards. We think this pitch is perfect to attract the usual kind of sad loser who couldn’t get a proper job anyway. Perfectamundo, gracias, adieu!

    Liked by 1 person

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